[D_o_S]

Hiya,

struggling with a bit of a personal topic recently, and looking for input and perhaps a different viewpoint.

Background: raised to work hard and "success" was the only option. Got a single B through all of highschool. Dropped out of medschool in the final year, (maybe to make it back this year (last year I can officially do so)), had a consulting job that paid $5000/month when I was 16, had my own company at 18, to then land a job as Managing Director in one of the "Top 100" companies in my country. Worked "24/7", lead the acquisition of another company, etc etc.

Approaching 30 and feeling that on the one hand, I have achieved a lot - on the other, there are people that have achieved "more", if nothing else, made more money.

And so all in all, I have to question: am I a success, or a failure?

I sort of constantly - i.e. every day - feel under pressure to deliver. Expectations from everyone around are that I am "successful". People say I am great, people come and ask to work with me specifically, do business with me.

This leads to, at least on the subconscious level, tension. I start feeling guilt when I am relaxing (=not working), I feel tense around other people who I know I "have" to impress, etc.

I have started thinking about my approach and attitude and am having a little trouble finding a way out. On the one hand, I could say "success" or "excellence" is my habit - so why not be calm about it, since I "know" this?

Perhaps because I am afraid that if I don't deliver 100%, then this is no longer excellence. When I am not "tensed up", I sometimes say things "wrong", I blame myself for not being sharper in the moment, etc. etc.

So on the one hand, it's like I've got a lot to lose. It's this fear that I fear.

I could just let go - say whatever, who cares - but where would that take me? If I was ambivalent about the result, focusing just on the input (i.e. what I can do) without focusing on the output... well, that just sound ideallistic. For me, it's a feedback loop - knowing that I felt ambivalent, I may not have given everything...

And additionally, I'm a curious person, that likes to prove himself right = likes to be successful. This curiosity is again, under "tension and pressure" - I feel tense about what the outcome will be, if I made the right assumption, did the right things, etc etc.

Is there any help? Basically, I feel as if the "whole world" is watching me, expecting nothing but success, and I have to live up to that...

On an opposite level, I see people that were constantly treated as "failures" - they have nothing to lose. They know they are a failure, they can only be a success. I am treated as a "success", so the only outcome is maintenance of status quo, or failure. Sounds like a lot of downside with very little upside to me...

I have read many books and quotes on the topic - i.e.:
- the journey is the destination (then I question: am I on the right journey? Maybe I am wasting my time, I could be doing something more effective)
- the people that mind don't matter and the people that matter don't mind - ok, but being "unsuccessful" means you will likely be surrounded with unsuccessful people... I don't want to be surrounded with unsuccessful people
- you will never be any more, or less, than anyone else - really? easier said from the perspective of someone "well off" than from the position of a homeless guy
- work on outdoing yourself, not the other guy - ya, ok, but why? someone else my age, with a background like or worse than mine, has made it further in life? Why not compare myself to him?
- etc.


So, is there any help for me?? How can I handle this at least a bit better?

Tl;dr: I don't want to look myself in the mirror 10 years from now and think I'm a failure. What do I do?